well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
did i just pee glitter
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