Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
