We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize