If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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