is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
