Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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