his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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