Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
