found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
