At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
whose parrot is this?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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