I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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