Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
