Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
pray to the hookup gods
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
