so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
