Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My ATM looks so different sober.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
