Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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