You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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