I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
