you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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