nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
