Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
