he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
