he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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