we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize