still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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