I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
