dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
