so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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