I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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