I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I am available for nakedness
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
