remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My balls are so social today.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
