If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize