I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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