Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
