I wish my penis had an off switch
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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