Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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