If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
