Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
