you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
