I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
