Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
what day is it and did you see me today?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
