Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Floor bacon is actually really good
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
