I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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