i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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