it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
