The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize