I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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