I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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