I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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