Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize