She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
