First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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