i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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