Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
