hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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