So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
