This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How does one acquire holy water?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
