Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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