Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
