I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize